I Hung My Head: requiem for bobby martin 1978-2008

I Hung My Head
requiem for bobby martin
1978-2008

The last memory I have of bobby is the most precious. During his brief visit passing through Toronto last summer, we shared a perfect, beautiful day. I sure wasn’t expecting his call at five am, but made breakfast when I learned he was on his way. We went to the beer store as soon as it opened, and spent the whole day on the floor looking at old photographs of loved ones we missed who were now on the other side. We listened to Elvis and to Johnny Cash’s American Recordings over and over.

Bobby Martin was my husband Marko’s ‘brother’. Bobby and I did our best to look after one another in that darkest hour after Marko passed away the summer of 2005. During the time that Bobby lived with me, he had to get used to my constant scatterbrained neuroses. I tend to flip out when I’m looking for something important that I’ve misplaced, flying through the house yelling and whimpering. Bobby Martin always told me calmly, “It’s in the place you didn’t look.” This was always true!

One of the most precious gifts I ever received was a tiny jade hand from Bobby. He noticed how often I use a hand symbol in my paintings, including the painting I made for him. I wore it whenever I missed him, which was often, after he left town to search for work in other provinces. One day, I went to put my necklace on and saw that the chain was empty. I looked everywhere to see where the pendant had fallen, to no avail. I looked for days on end, remembering that Bobby would tell me it was in the place I hadn’t looked! After several days of searching, I admitted defeat. Devastated, I began looking online to see if I could find something similar. That was how I found out that the hand symbol was called a ‘manu figa’ or fig hand. Given my love of mythological symbolism and how often I read into signs and symbols, I was thrilled. The manu figa, or fig hand, was an ancient sailor’s symbol to divert the storm god’s attention and bring blessings on the boat. Because Marko was a sailor, I found this tiny symbolic gift even more powerful. Finally, I found an exact replica of the charm I’d had, and ordered it from Brazil.

The very same day that the hand arrived, I found the original charm in my jewelry box! It had fallen behind the little drawer.

When Bobby Martin came to visit that summer, I told him the story and he was astonished at the length I had gone to replace the hand. I proudly pinned the duplicate to him, and he was beaming. He said he would always feel me close by, even when he was away.

I honestly don’t know how I can live without knowing Bobby Martin is out there on this vast, amazing planet. Now he can see his father again and Marko and other loved ones that we miss, but here on earth, many of us are hurting and sad. Goodbye, baby, goodbye for now, but not forever. Save a spot for me up there!

Poem for Bobby

Oh, I’ve been sad for years, my friend-
it’s a painter’s fate to feel,
anda writer’s lot to live a little lost.
Oh, I’ve been shedding tears my friend
’cause this world’s way too real
but the ticket price is truly worth its cost.

I don’t have any answers
but I know the answer’s light
truth and joy have meaning
and life’s a worthy fight.

I watch you struggle darling
I feel the bruise and fight
and I looked right into darkness
to see a starry night.

And I don’t know what to do
I don’t know where to go
but a warrior went before us
and he says, don’t let go.

I could not help falling
and I cannot be wise
It was likely angels calling
and the rain inside your eyes.

Lorette C. Luzajic
Poem for Bobby was from my collection, The Astronaut’s Wife: Poems of Eros and Thanatos, available online from Indigo or Amazon, or through my site, www.thegirlcanwrite.net.